When I read Hollywood Housewife’s recent post, I Don’t Believe in God I pridefully thought, “whew. I’m so glad that isn’t me.”  (No hate, shame or judgement toward Laura. I own my judgy-pride issues).

That post made me think for a good 3-4 days. I SO appreciated her honesty.  I appreciated the idea that we can live -all of us- doing certain things yet doubting & believing differently. When I read her post the pride flowed in easily because I, Grace Biskie have never doubted God’s existence at any point in my entire 36.75 years of living. 

Ahhh, how God loves to humble us.  It was only a few days later that the realization hit me: YOU, Grace Biskie don’t believe God can do what he says He will do, can do & wants to do.

Womp. Womp. Womp.

I didn’t wake up one morning wondering if God could do all that He says He can do. I woke up one morning after 4 weeks of acting out of my own beliefs -instead of God’s- wondering if God could do all that He says he can do. If I truly believed God, I’d have lived my entire last month differently.

And I wish I had.

If you’ve noticed from my super sad Instagrams and grimly serious FB page updates, I’ve been a tad heartbroken.  I am wading through the consequences of what happens when one doesn’t decide to take God at His word.  And can I tell you? It sucks like a mug.

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In the past, when I’ve acknowledged poor choices or sat under the heavy of regret I’ve also struggled to own and know God’s grace in the midst of it.  I have had to fight and claw my way to the slightest understanding of God’s forgiveness, longsuffering patience and whole-being acceptance for me.

This time around I can tell you, thankfully, it’s been gloriously different.

This time around I haven’t fought the idea that God forgives me, that He still loves me, is still plugging away to make me new.

This time around,  I haven’t fought (much) God’s lavish grace.  I haven’t had the strength for more areas of defiance.  I’m too tired, too broken, too exhausted to face another war with God over something so clear: God. has. grace. for. us.

In these last 4 weeks, I’ve been grasping at straws trying to figure out if I could do my life in any way other than how I truly believe -to the deepest core of my human existence- God wants me to.  Dammit, I know better than God because I know what I NEED.  Then, as it turns out, all I need is God.

Then, as it turns out, I have yet again, created a tailspin in which I must again drag my way back to God.  Only this time, I didn’t drag.  He was there. I fell in.  All right God, we are just going muscle through this together I guess.  Where the hell else am I going to go? There’s a peace in that that has defied understanding.

There’s a space and a time for people like Laura to not believe in God, for people like me to not trust God enough for obedience and for people like you to engage in all the worry and doubt or anger or unbelief and flat out hate towards God.  There is no point, friends in running.  There is no point in being fearful to articulate it.  There are too many of us that will support whatever your breed of crisis-of-faith looks like.  I’ve learned that firsthand.

Today is Thanksgiving.  More than anything else, I’m thankful that I’m God’s beloved daughter.  It’s not the happiest Thanksgiving by any stretch, but it is a thankful Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, peeps and tweeps.  Love to you all.

 

 

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  • Natalie Hart

    This is perfect, just perfect. Not fighting it or dragging towards it, but falling into grace; I believe that counts as “spiritual progress.” (Although I also believe that we never progress enough that we stop doing the dance you describe; at least, I don’t think I’m the only one who finds herself learning that over and over again.) Blessings to you today, God’s beloved daughter.

    • http://www.gracebiskie.com/ Grace Biskie

      Natalie, yeah, your right, I think it is progress. At least, that’s how I’m choosing to see it. =) And yeah, we’re both learning that over and over again. That’s good progress too. Better mistakes tomorrow, eh? Thank you so much, blessings to you today as well. xo

  • Sara

    In my life, I’ve found that to say the right words is easy but to act on them can be a different story. Because God made me a human, I think there will always be that war within me. I’m so glad that we serve a God who loves us unconditionally and yet continues to mold us through life’s experiences to become more than we are today. When I try to take control and do things my way, I do not have peace and I harm not only myself but others around me. When I surrender to God’s way, I know He is providing his best for me. I am prevented from settling for second best or even the worst. That’s how it works in my life. Grace–I do believe that with God ALL things are possible and I pray His best for you and your family.

  • Michelle

    I love this part, ” only this time, I didn’t drag. He was there. I fell in.” Man, it’s seriously like that sometimes! You have accurately & beautifully put into word how I have felt many times. Thank God for His grace & His love that never ends. The older I get the more I appreciate His love & grace. Happy Thanksgiving, Grace.

  • ThandiweW

    Grace, I am so glad that through God’s Magnificent Grace I found you just now, because it is now, finally, after tying myself into the kinds of knots we’re supposed to untie I finally figured out that I, in all of my “myness” am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITHOUT GOD…talk about a “womp womp womp.” Thank you for writing truth I desperately needed to hear. Guess I have to come back, though while nobody reasonable enjoys a holy whuppin’, sometimes it is precisely what we need.
    Selah, thanks, and amen.
    Chelle

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  • http://www.allthingsbeautifulblog.com/ Alyssa Bacon-Liu

    Appreciate this. Praying for you, lady.

    • http://www.gracebiskie.com/ Grace Biskie

      oh thank you, sweet sis!

  • Sarah Raymond Cunningham

    Just wanted to say I stopped today, Grace, and read with interest. And I’ll be back. Nice to “meet” you. :)

    • http://www.gracebiskie.com/ Grace Biskie

      Thank you so much, Sarah! So nice to meet you too! Thanks for leaving me a comment. =)

  • emmillerwrites

    Oh, yes! This is something I’ve realized about myself the past few years: I’ve never doubted God’s existence (thank you, Jesus, for that gift!), but I doubt what He says about me. I doubt He has my best interest at heart. I doubt He’ll come through for me if I loosen my grip so tight on pretty much everything. I doubt He will do what He has said He will do, too.

    Thankful for you, friend. :)

  • Andrew (from Boston)

    Thank you! You’ve addressed a challenge that I recognize (I RESEMBLE THAT) and given me language/ framework for raising much more effective questions about it. I, and many who know me, will enjoy the benefit of that.

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