Anger. Dave Ramsey. White Feminists. Micah. My Racism. It’s a hot mess over here.

I am much too angry rage-y right now. If there is anything in the world that can set a person off it seems like Twitter will do it. Yesterday someone started calling out one of my friends for no good reason.  She was unapologetic & awful.  When I texted my friend to tell him how angry I was for him yet, I realized there was NO point in my addressing her tomfoolery via Twitter.

Would minds be changed? No.  Would I be helpful? No.  I was able to withhold addressing that situation only to later on allow myself to unleash an angry twitter rant about how upset I am that Dave Ramsey is getting lambasted by Christians.

I was going to write this post about why I’m defending Dave Ramsey, and why as a person who grew up in poverty can appreciate his thoughts on financial management and why I don’t mind his sarcastic, condescending tone.  And why I think yes, he’s doing some unhelpful causation-to-poverty word jumbling, but why we need to partner with him not against him.  And how the people who are complaining about Dave are generally middle to upper class, white, female.  (<—- I haven’t seen much else, PLEASE tell me if I’m wrong on this one).

And I was going to write about how, FOR GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE, he is NOTHING like Joel Olsteen and why I can’t think of any single comparison for the ENTIRE LAST YEAR that has offended me so terribly much.  And how I think the people who have made that comparison have very little experience with ACTUAL prosperity preachers or have had to sit and trenches with or disciple people trying to break free from the EVIL of prosperity preaching & false gospels in general. And how if they had, they WOULD NEVER compare a man like Dave Ramsey who FREE’S people from the bondage of poverty & bankruptcy compare those two…or Dave Ramsey to ANY prosperity preacher.  As someone who’s discipled countless students away from the bondage of prosperity preaching I am repulsed by this unhelpful comparison.  REPULSED.

I was going to write all that today, but a dude I went to seminary with graciously invited me to share those thoughts over on his blog sometime soon, so Imma go head and wait and focus this little borderline ranty post on my racist, rage-a-holic ways.

I need to face my rage-a-holic-ness.  The problem with anger isn’t anger right? I completely believe that I’m allowed to be angry about junk, that I SHOULD BE angry about evil and injustice. I believe the God I serve is angry, gets angry and unleashes anger.

The big difference being God is angry but operating on a full diet of compassion, longsuffering & perfect love.  Not to mention the small fact that the full weight of His anger was fully unloaded on Jesus through the cross.  His anger has been once and for all satiated.

I, on the other hand, am spewing my mouth in defense of Dave Ramsey and swearing at my husband and beating pillows about seemingly anything and everything, sometimes not even knowing what exactly I’m so angry about and the best ways to confront said anger to satiate it properly.

Here’s the truth: yesterday I unleashed ALL THE ANGERS about the Dave Ramsey situation, but I was MORE angry about this chick going off on my friend, Micah who I love.  But I was more angry at what I perceived to be just another white, angry feminist woman going off on another random man.  Why?  Because she can.  Because she’s an angry, white feminist and they can do, apparently, whatever the hell they want to do.  They can say, whatever they want to, because they are angry, white feminists.

I AM SO CONFUSED about all this.  THAT is what I’m angry about underneath it all.  I’m angry that I can’t figure out how to address or touch on the fact that I’m pissed at OTHER people who are angry, specifically white feminists and I don’t know how to engage them and I don’t know how to make any difference.  I don’t know how to have patience.  I don’t know how to love them.  I’m afraid to start defending people like Micah because then I’LL BE DEFENDING THE WHITE MAN.

You know what?  That’s just funny to me.  But it’s true, as angry as I am right now about racism, I’m feeling ALL THE COMPASSIONS for white men, because they are getting raked through the freaking mud by who? Angry white feminists.  Why? Because they can. Apparently.  They can be angry, bitchy whatever and can take down GOOD MEN like Micah or Dave Ramsey and who the hell cares because they are angry white feminists.

The thing is. I freaking love Micah is my nigga.  And by nigga I mean, that dude is my homie.  He’s mine now, in a belonging sort of way. Ride or die.  So when an angry white feminists pulls out that card as a defense for being brutal and passive aggressive and awful to him then well, mug, you gotta deal with me.  This is my I-was-raised-in-the-hood-nigga mentality coming out and I cannot shake it.  IT’S CALLED LOYALTY.  It’s something (some of) my white friends do not understand the same way as my black friends I grew up with.

This is why I’m really confused about how to deal with this. Because seriously? NO, angry white feminists you DO NOT GET TO TAKE DOWN MICAH & DAVE RAMSEY or any other man doing ACTUAL good  in the world. No freaking no.  Because what the hell does it cost you? Nothing? But the people who need Micah & Dave Ramsey? Everything.  Go away, just go away.

As a Christian, I NEED to desperately invite Jesus more fully into this drama.  On some days, y’all I could seriously walk away from every white person and decide to be completely over it.  On other days, I’m ready to basically jump someone one for sending Micah an angry tweet.  Where is God in the midst of this confusion?  What does God have to say about this? I could pontificate all this in another post, because yes, I have some ideas.

I NEVER stop looking for God in the midst of my own racism and when I see it in others.  Otherwise, there is NO HOPE. If I didn’t believe in Jesus, white people & I? DONE.  Finished.  Micah too.  I’m just saying.  It is Christ’s love that compels me.

So, I’m pressing on y’all. I’m pressing in.  I’m just TIRED. TIRED. TIRED. TIRED. TIRED. So freaking tired.

There is no resolve for me.  I own no white privilege emotionally. I don’t shrug this off and go to another day as if the last one may or may not have happened.

IT IS COSTLY.

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This post right here? Off the top of my head.  Not edited.  Written hastily at 6:15am, rushed to get ready to work.  IF I HAVE OFFENDED YOU WRITE ME AN EMAIL.  This is my raw emotions right here…. not doctrine, not theology and not claiming to be correct. No excuses for broken relationship CONTACT ME, Mug.  I will call you if we need to hash it out.

Also, I wrote this as part of Heather’s Just Write, an exercise in free writing.

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